Amukarr--Diary entry (session 13)

After we left the forge we found the road easily enough. We were only a mile or so away from it, so even in the middle of the night we didn't get lost. Every time someone looks at Inayin the way Panethfei did it bothers me. He's been hurt, and it's an ugly wound, but he's not disgusting. And he wouldn't hurt anyone, bloody eyes or no (at least, no one that wasn't evil. He's very good at killing evil things). 

We headed toward the village where the priest was who might be able to help Inayin. Thargash had promised to teach me Treian. I was half a mind to ask Fjalanor instead, but he's been so distracted and hard to talk to lately. Thargash was NOT distracted, and turned out to be a very good teacher. A bit impatient sometimes, but impatience I don't mind. I was determined both to learn the words and also to not let anything Thargash said get under my skin. (The phrases, of course, I put on the back pages of this diary because I need to find them easily for review and it's easier to find them there.)

On the way we noticed a path going off the main road where the trees had started to wither. I looked around, and the footprints (Treian) were about a week old, but the path did seem heavily traveled. My chest sank to see the dying already happening. Normally I would want to follow something like that. I regret last time I didn't. But... What can we do? And Inayn is still hurt.

We made it to the village and were quickly able to find the priest. Fjalanor talked quite a bit back and forth with him. The priest could tell we "weren't from around here" and seemed to particularly notice Thargash. I'm not sure what else was said, Thargash only told me that Fjalanor was trying to wreck history by telling too much, and everyone knows not to do that. I think he must have told about the coming invasion and sacking of the seven hills. I don't know if that was a good idea or not, but if he did I'm a bit relieved. Someone should be told, even though I don't think they'd believe us. The priest seemed more confused than upset, and finally started talking to Fjalanor in very small, slow words (I didn't understand the words, of course, but I could tell!). He started gesturing toward the sky and the earth over and over, so I might be wrong about what Fjalanor was talking about. I reminded Fjalanor to tell him about the withered trees, and also mention that we'd noticed three Treian youths wearing red amber vulture pendants. The priest seemed disapproving of the pendants, but again, neither upset nor surprised. I get this from physical cues because I HAVE TO ASK FOR EVERY SINGLE TRANSLATION. (When I started tugging on Fjalanor's sleeve, Thargash started talking to Tenuala instead and while I could not overhear, the conversation stopped with Tenuala red faced and Thargash looking smug. I doubt he was translating.)

We stayed three days in the village to give time for everyone to recover. I was still exhausted from searching for herbs, and Inayin, of course, needed more time. The first thing I did was find clothes. I was relieved to not seem to need a translator for that, I've been dreading asking either Fjalanor or Thargash for help in that department (very different reasons). Everyone here was so friendly and I now have both a hunting outfit and a nice dress to wear. After the rags I've been in, being clean and looking like a woman is a relief. I burned the Vulture Priests "gift" dress. I'm glad mother never saw me in it. She would have been horrified (well, father too. But he'd have had a good deal less to say than mother, which--believe it or not--is actually worse). There were hot springs and cool springs in the town, so I went swimming often. I love the water. 

I tried talking to everyone, to practice my new words. They were delighted that I was trying to talk to them, and very tolerant of my rough speech. I particularly enjoyed the children. They ran all about the whole time and I tried playing some of their games. My heart wasn't in it, though. I just wanted to take them all up in my arms and flee to the Sothbori and my own dear piney woods. 

 I don't know how to describe how I feel now. The beauty here overwhelms me, fills me. I've never seen anything as unguarded as this. They all just trust us. Freely. Even though we are strangers. I feel like I need to gather it all up and store it away inside me, beauty enough to hold me for the rest of my life. But the more precious a thing is that I gather up, the more it hurts. I can see what's coming. The burning, the death--things they can't imagine now. Things I've seen since I was 5 when Cheykor was razed by the Nalshbori. War is my earliest memory, but not even their old men have seen it. This is so much different than hearing about the Jade hills in songs at the Sacred Well. Yesterday I played hide and go seek with a little girl--knowing that in a few weeks or months she will be hiding for real, and it won't be a strange red headed Sothbori girl catching her up with a hug and tears, but something very different hunting her. Why... 

I have tried to finish that sentence 30 times. I can't finish it. I've been staring at the page too long.

I was able to talk to Thargash--I mean a real conversation. I don't even remember how it started. I've thought a lot about him--for someone who acts like he only loves himself, he's going through an awful lot of trouble for someone. You don't defy time itself for just anyone. (this is daft, but--I thought maybe the woman he loved was being held hostage and we might be used in some way to betray one of the cities. I'm glad I didn't have a chance to mention this to anyone). We were talking and--I don't even remember what I said, exactly, but it was a bit like he took his mask off for a moment. And he isn't a traitor, and he isn't as horrid as he acts, and I won't write down what he said exactly because it's not something I'd tell anyone, but I was half right. Thoranri. 

I.... I think we might be friends now. Imagine that!!

[Added later]
Oh, it was the little girls mother who gave me the dress I'm wearing. Her name is Onmanda. They invited me--a stranger--into their home for dinner yesterday evening. We got along fine without a translator. Onmanda is on the small side for a Treian woman, and I think the dress was hers when she was younger. Somehow it fits me perfectly. Her older daughter showed me how to do my hair in the way Treian maidens wear it. They were lovely and generous hosts. I tried to be an equally cheery and pleasant guest, and kept my mind focused on that. Some happy moments for everyone. It was the gift I could give.
 I went to the springs afterwards. Sometimes--more lately--it's better to be alone. 

Especially at night.